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willful suspension of disbelief
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pretending to keep a journal is probably my second-oldest hobby [29 Jan 2010|11:57pm]
in four weeks i will be back in berlin. it's crazy to read the last few entries in here. despite the fact that i have never been good at keeping a journal, i still manage to post in here every once in a while and even that much of a perspective backwards is interesting and somewhat comforting. i remember vividly my feelings in july and also october, and i'm becoming painfully aware of my current mix of feelings. my departure date is steadily approaching, i'm making final preparations, retouching my resume and contacting people regarding apartments, taking stock of my clothing and scheduling final appointments and lunches and coffee dates and bon voyage parties. in just four weeks i will have once again left southern new jersey behind, goodbye diner waitressing job, goodbye dead-end boyfriend, goodbye living in my mother's attic. it's not that any of those three things are even that bad necessarily. working at the diner is simple, generally amusing, and often lucrative. my boyfriend is very sweet, understanding and fun to be with. living in my mother's attic is cheap, and i get to make a giant mess in all of this space (and trust me - at this point the mess is literally covering the whole damn attic). it all comes down to my own expectations however. whenever i have felt stressed about "being and adult", it's not that i'm actually worried about aging, so much as feeling the strain of living up to the image i projected of where i would be with my life at any given point. people who live in this area tend to feel stuck and i hear talk all day about personal discontent, generally coupled with vague aspirations for change. while i sometimes feel like i'm running away from something, in all honesty i'm chasing it. i'm chasing the lifestyle i want for myself. i'm chasing the person that i have always wanted to be.

so in the next four weeks i need to have coffee and dinner with my old high school teachers, go out for a night on the town with my coworkers (in a limo for some reason), buy myself a new pair of boots, a pair of slip ons, new tights, a few more dresses and tops, and some socks. i need a haircut, new contacts, possibly (hopefully!) new glasses. i need to see my father, my grandmother, my aunts and uncles. i need to spend quality time with the boyfriend, work and tutor as much as possible, and visit my favorite local dive bars. i need to send out my resume and cover letters and apply for some teaching positions. also: confirm my apartment for when i land, try to cajole someone into meeting me at the airport, clean up and clean out my room, throw out giant trash bags full of old papers, maybe sell some random crap on ebay, donate some old clothes, do my taxes, cuddle with my doggies and say my goodbyes (and good riddances) to south jersey.
so many things

[14 Oct 2009|07:31pm]
i feel stuck. stuck in southern new jersey. stuck in my destructive tendencies. stuck in my life. i feel like i'm getting less intelligent rather than learning more. like i'm regressing. as if everything in my life were one big sand pit, and as i try to dig myself out, it all caves back in, endlessly.

today i suddenly felt like i woke up from some weird dream and i wondered where the last two months went and what i'm actually doing with my life. i had to give my mother $800 and with that i watched my dreams slip quietly away. i am afraid that i am ruining everything. i think i'm making terrible decisions. i just want to trade lives with someone else.

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